change of perspective

this afternoon, i sat down and had myself a cup of tea. i needed time to think. think about things i want to do in the coming months, how i want to do them, and why it's so damn difficult for me to actually do them. it all came down to los angeles.

this city is hard to deal with - the traffic, the crowds, the self-entitled residents and their snobby-ass dogs. you have to know how to navigate los angeles, sacrificing time and, dare i say, a little integrity in order to sustain yourself. i've traveled these past few years and i've experienced a life very different than one lived in a reckless, pretentious city. and the feeling penetrating my being upon return to los angeles: if only to be elsewhere.

but today as i thought about the things i want to do this year, it occurred to me that this city is one of the few places that actually allows me to do those things. like running on the beach; taking classes at a ceramics studio; spending more time hiking in the coastal mountains; trying new ethnic restaurants. we live in a truly remarkable place and yet i try so hard to fight it. i isolate myself from the goodness of it in every attempt to move on. but in so doing, i lose my sense of self - that person who lives in abundant joy, who looks at the world with caring eyes. los angeles isn't my enemy; it's my home. i can either choose to repel it with clenched fists or embrace it with open arms. it's a choice about how i want to live, and so i choose the latter.

"be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need." 

- sarah ban breathnach

i am who i am, doing what i do, loving the man i love because of los angeles. and i am grateful for it - this fantastically charismatic city, this home of mine.

onward

welcome, 2014!

g and i celebrated the new year in our pajamas, tucked in bed, with bellies full of pasta. it was a grand entrance - all ten minutes of it - until we fell asleep. it was the first time we had been together on new year's eve, as both of our jobs usually require us to work that night. but this year, this exciting new year, was different. it was almost as if fate left us with no choice but to be together, just the two of us.

last night, we sat at the bar of father's office, chatting over burgers and beer. comfort food and contemplation. we talked about 2013 and what it meant for us, naming it the "year of decisions." it was the year we decided to stay in los angeles a little longer; the year we decided to travel a bit more; the year we decided to get engaged; and the year we decided on the plans for our future.

and now here we are in 2014, which we named the "year of doing." neither of us believe in making resolutions, but we both feel strongly about making goals fueled by hope. this year, we're taking our plans and putting them into action: saving money for our move up north; meeting g's mother and grandmother; finally working on a vertical succulent garden (i've been wanting to do this forever!); and making our union official as we say "i do."

i feel good about this year, 2014. there are exciting times ahead of us, and although i hope for the best, i recognize we will inevitably face challenges. so with that, here's to a year of health, happiness, and the strength to move onward...always guided by love.

overflow

i don't know how to describe the immense elation that is overflowing from very being right now. IMMENSE.

last week was spent at home with my family - a celebration of the season and new beginnings. we had our fair share of cocktails, feasts, story-telling, and abundant merriment. i'm not gonna lie, but there were a few times when i missed being in our space, doing the things g and i do routinely. however, my fits of temporary longing were overcome by the warmth of mama's hug, the gusto of daddy's laugh, and the comfort of my childhood home, festive and bright.

and then there was more overflow. like a crazy, heart-wrenching, uncontainable overflow of love. my favorite people (aside from my parents) joined over the breaking of bread at our abode. emma and her beau, abby, brent, and my squeeze. 

it was the grandest of times, all of us coming from different places, gathering at the table under the common belief that friendship is insurmountable. i can't even count how many times my eyes glistened with tears of joy as i looked around me and saw some of the most influential people within arm's reach. jubilation. pure jubilation.

so i end this final post of 2013 with a full heart. it was an incredible year, definitely one to go in the book of "favorites." and i feel that if this past week is any indication of the future, 2014 will be pretty damn swell.

on giving

this year, my family decided we wouldn't do a gift exchange for christmas. g and i also agreed to do the same. there have been some big expenses (ahem, paris), new family investments, and a wedding ceremony in our foreseeable future. naturally, it just felt right that we would share a low-key holiday, gifts not included.

i must say, this no-spending-on-gifts-you-will-probably-never-use decision was a great one. this entire holiday season, i have not fallen victim to the absurdly crowded shopping malls in an effort to cross people off my list. i never even had to make a list! not once did i have to guess and guess and guess what this person wants or what that person already has. and to top it all off, i don't have to try my hands at wrapping (lord knows how much i hate/cringe at the thought of wrapping).

this year, we agreed to all be together. to prepare a feast, drink some festive (and boozy!) cocktails, and just be. there won't be a "let's open presents" time and no one will have to hide their "what in the heck am i going to do with this" face. instead, we will take time to talk and share stories and work on a puzzle and sit outside by the fire and be so incredibly thankful that we have each other...the greatest gift of all.

here's to the warmest of holidays spent with the people you adore!

on being sick

coffeeshop confession: i'm not very good at being sick. actually, i'm terrible at being sick. 

there's a reason why i use my accumulated "sick days" from work as "mental health days"...and that's because i hardly get ill enough to stay at  home. until now.

over the past three days, it has been a battle between me and the bug. you know, that annoying illness that moves from one person to another, leaving the poor victim with a sore throat, body aches, sniffles, and an overall shitty feeling. woe is me. 

after much (unnecessary) contemplation, i called in sick to work. for a real sick day. i knew there was nothing else i could do but stay in bed and rest. sleep. drink tea and sleep some more. although my body needed exactly that and nothing more, my mind fought the prospect of a do-nothing-but-lie-on-my-sick-laurels kinda day. it was tough. i wanted to run, but felt too weak. i wanted to study, but felt too tired. i wanted to bake, but couldn't imagine my sick hands preparing a treat to share with (healthy) others. i was doomed to the bed, under blankets and a hot water bottle.

but through it all - through my internal struggle and fight against "being ill" - g was there to take care of me. first thing in the morning, he sprays medication into my throat and makes a bowl of oatmeal for soothing. tea is prepared and a water bottle is heated. the lights are turned down and silence ensues. as i begin to regain energy and an appetite, we go on a bundled walk, drink hot toddy's, and eat chili in bed. 

and all the while, i forget that i feel weak and stuffy and ugly and achy and nasty. under g's care, i feel loved. as irritating as i probably was - giving myself a pity party because i couldn't do this or that - g stayed by my side with his healing hands. i might be uber emotional right now, but let me say this: i feel so incredibly lucky to spend the rest of my life with this guy who loves selflessly, who makes me stronger just by being present. 

snacky, thank you. xoxo

most excited

i love this time of year, with the holiday decorations, festive food and drink, and chilly temperatures. it's all just so lovely - the snuggle time, stews, knee-high socks worn to bed, baked goods shared with friends. and i just can't get over the pomegranates and citrus, the poinsettias and eucalyptus.

but what i'm most excited about is the time spent with friends and family. there are few occasions during the year when people are able to congregate at the same time, but christmas! the joyous season for celebration! friends come into town to visit family, family come over to feast. it's magical! i don't even know how i'm going to contain myself when emma and her beau visit la. and abby! two visits in a matter of weeks?! festive dinners with local friends...yesss. and then home for the holidays - mama and daddy in their heart-warming, perfectly decorative abode. extended family join in debauchery, and all is well.

so as the masses scramble about for the "perfect" gift, may you find excitement in the simple things shared with those you love.

college flashback to christmastime at ophir

some things don't change

a few nights ago, g and i went to father's office for burgers and beer. as much as we love our burger outings, it never occurred to us to visit f.o.'s...maybe because it's more "bar" than "eatery" or because it's where people go on first dates and college outings. to whatever kept us away, well i don't like you anymore. father's office is just as good, if not greater, than when i used to go out with my college roomies, emma and abby.

there's something about the lighting and the vibe, the selection of beers and wine, the food and conversation that makes f.o.'s so damn magical. it reminds me of saturday nights in college, when we just needed to get a drink and gush about our man-crushes (and swing on trees down the corner). it takes me back to college graduation, when a group of us had our last feast together before bidding our farewells. and i'll never forget my first motorcycle ride, hanging on to the man of my life, feeling sexy as hell wearing red heels. and it was all due to father's office.

i am glad to say that father's office will now be a regular happening for me and g. the burger...oh damn. the beer and wine...geez. the memories, new and old...priceless.

thank you, f.o.'s. you are swell.