change of perspective

this afternoon, i sat down and had myself a cup of tea. i needed time to think. think about things i want to do in the coming months, how i want to do them, and why it's so damn difficult for me to actually do them. it all came down to los angeles.

this city is hard to deal with - the traffic, the crowds, the self-entitled residents and their snobby-ass dogs. you have to know how to navigate los angeles, sacrificing time and, dare i say, a little integrity in order to sustain yourself. i've traveled these past few years and i've experienced a life very different than one lived in a reckless, pretentious city. and the feeling penetrating my being upon return to los angeles: if only to be elsewhere.

but today as i thought about the things i want to do this year, it occurred to me that this city is one of the few places that actually allows me to do those things. like running on the beach; taking classes at a ceramics studio; spending more time hiking in the coastal mountains; trying new ethnic restaurants. we live in a truly remarkable place and yet i try so hard to fight it. i isolate myself from the goodness of it in every attempt to move on. but in so doing, i lose my sense of self - that person who lives in abundant joy, who looks at the world with caring eyes. los angeles isn't my enemy; it's my home. i can either choose to repel it with clenched fists or embrace it with open arms. it's a choice about how i want to live, and so i choose the latter.

"be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need." 

- sarah ban breathnach

i am who i am, doing what i do, loving the man i love because of los angeles. and i am grateful for it - this fantastically charismatic city, this home of mine.