thoughts on a tuesday

i don't know what it is about an impending trip that makes me have a (seemingly) never-ending cluster of thoughts. like...we can't forget our bug spray and yoga mats; oh, and i need to write the rent check by tomorrow; shoot, i only have one day off when we get back; what kind of treat should i bring? - well obviously something that will last through a 6-hour drive and five days of semi-camping.

but more than the little nit-picky to-do's in my mind, i feel inundated with bigger thoughts...

--i'm hoping that by pursuing my doula certification, i will have more opportunities to grow in my career. i can be the L&D nurse, practicing work as a doula on the side, preparing for a future in midwifery. it's all so exciting, but scary as hell. big girl decisions with big girl responsibilities.

--should we move out of los angeles? am i afraid of making a dramatic change? we're going to check out the bay area after we get hitched, and then make a decision: los angeles, seattle, or berkley. i love this time of not knowing, of just living day-to-day, but it's killing me too. what are we going to call home?

--speaking of home, why couldn't we make costa rica our home? we know we love it, we speak the predominant language, the ease and joy of everyday life settle well with us, and we both have career options: g pursuing a bed and breakfast and me working in a birth center. is it a calling? is this the time to live our dream? when is there ever a "good" time to be spontaneous?

--i want to get another tattoo and i know exactly what i want. it's just a matter of when...

--mama and daddy are celebrating 30 years of marriage in june. g and i are getting married four months later. i think it's interesting how we can be so sure of some things (and people), while living a life of even more uncertainties. i don't know what to make of it, so instead of fighting it, i will choose to go with the flow. because if i've learned anything in these 27 years, it's that life is so much sweeter when we just let go and live it.

letting my hair down

i've never dreamed of owning a convertible. it was always the car that "other" people drove, the impractical car. growing up, my barbie dolls had convertibles and that was perfectly acceptable - it was just for play. in my mind, i would NEVER be one of those people always driving with the top down, but when given the choice between loaning a convertible mini vs. a standard mini while charlie was being serviced, i opted for the former. and surprisingly without hesitation.

i figured i would let my hair down for a couple of days. i would drive the streets of west la with a new lens and an open roof. i would let the wind toss my hair in a frenzy, breathe in the salty air, soak in the sunny rays, blast my music without reservation, and just let go. and when i would walk into a public place, i really wouldn't give a damn that it looked like a tornado just blew by. hell, i would feel free! 

the past 48 hours with the loaner convertible somehow reawakened me. it didn't matter that it was cold after my swim this morning...i just had to drive with the top down. on the freeway, i refrained from tying my hair in a ponytail just so i could feel it loose and out of control. in the convertible, i had a flashback to my first ride on g's motorcycle - the wind, the exhilaration, the freedom. it was on that motorcycle that i first felt like one helluva woman. and in this convertible, that carefree spirit was back.

i returned the convertible once charlie was ready for pick-up. it was a bittersweet goodbye, as i felt the need to put my hair back up, turn the air conditioner on, and drive back on the freeway that always gives me heartache. as i sit here now, it's occurring to me that i might actually be one of those people after all. i might actually be that woman who says "screw it! life is too short to care what my hair looks like. let's go."

six months

tomorrow marks six months until g and i get married. i never thought monthly countdowns would matter since we already "married" - that is, we already said i do to doing this life thing together. but in a way, the six month milestone feels significant.

this transitional time - this engagement, if you will - is unique to now. it's the time we live in a 400-sq-ft studio...and find joy in it. it's the time we talk about future plans - what do we want, where do we want to be? it's the time we raise chase as our baby, with no rush of producing the actual thing. it's the time we deliberate about our nuptials over burgers and beer, finalizing the details for our 8-guest affair.

although i know nothing will change after our ceremony in october, i embrace this time - these six months - as the time that it's just us, figuring things out, realizing that it's in fact possible to fall more in love with someone every day you know them.

rituals

every night, we take chase for his last walk. sometimes i might do it solo or g might do it solo or we will do it together. either way, when the clock strikes 9 pm - give or take a few - chase knows it's time to go.

we all know fine and well how we are creatures of habit, lovers of ritual. but i just can't get over how the neighbor who lives around the corner knows it too...

as we turn the corner, this little guy watches from above, as if surveying the scene. nope, there's no need for a territorial bark. just as i know when to eat breakfast in the morning, g knows when to stretch on his yoga mat, chase knows when to take a dump, this "neighbor dog" knows when to wish us well for the night. 

now that's what i call community.

do what you have to do

i need to get the heck outta here. and when i say here, i mean the everyday responsibilities and expectations that seem to exhaust me of energy and a clear vision.

it's the busy day at work and the errands on my day off. it's the midday traffic and the laundry. it's the oh my gosh, we're getting married in six months and the i wish it was here already feeling.

i don't mean to sound like a party pooper as spring makes its grand entrance, but there's something going on internally that makes me want to fall off the side of los angeles and land in indonesia or paris or in the mountains of peru. great things are definitely happening, and i am beyond thankful for them - visiting the central coast with mama; beginning my training as a doula; taking a trip to yosemite; figuring out life with g - but i just need a break from the everyday. the busyness.

 i know i can't change the reality that i am, in fact, an adult and there are things i have to tend to, but believe you me, there is no way in hell i'm going to lose sight of what's around me. because at the end of the day, those are the things (and people) that actually matter. i will go on hikes and swim and eat huge-ass bowls of pasta in bed and drink a midday tea and make plans for the future and get a massage and dance with g in our hole-in-the-wall studio. i will do those things because i AM an adult and i CAN take a break. so there!