a different kinda christmas

last week, i got news that i am scheduled to work christmas day. you can imagine the surprise, frustration, and disappointment i felt when i found out that i will be in the hospital, working, away from my family. i should have known this reality was bound to happen, considering i haven't had to work a single christmas in the four years i've been a nurse.

but this year feels different. it's the first christmas g and i are married, and in some way, it feels monumental to be able to share the holiday with my parents - the couple who witnessed our beginning and celebrated our union. and of course, there's the comfort of being in my childhood home during this festive time - the way mama decorates the house with lights, pine, and their humble christmas tree adorned with handmade ornaments from years past. i love tradition and i love sharing it with others.

after sulking about for a day, i finally came to terms with my reality and accepted it. looking at g sitting at his desk after we settled back into our studio from thanksgiving, a new light was shed. he is my family and we have a home (that will soon be adorned with winter cheer!!). sacrifices have to be made, as do new traditions.

wherever we are in this world, and with whomever we celebrate the season, joy will abound as long as we allow it. i choose to be grateful for this change, because although it's s stretch from my norm, the change encourages me to see the greatness right in front of me. and spending christmas with my husband is pretty great.

our first christmas together, 2010

christmas last year, 2013

you never know

when g and i were on our honeymoon in yosemite, we met two girls traveling from france. they took two months off from their everyday lives to road-trip through california, starting in the north and making their way down to san diego.

the night we met in the camp lodge, g and i were quickly intrigued by their charisma and sense of joie de vivre. lili and chloe shared their travel tales, their french way of life, their perspectives on american culture, and so much more. g and i embraced the connection we had with these two travelers, these girls who were so excited to see the natural beauty we oftentimes take for granted. it was as if they shed a new light on the totality of california. a bottle of wine, some beers, and a pumpkin pie later, we exchanged contact information and made tentative plans to reconnect when they made their way to los angeles.

and we did.

last weekend, we invited our french travelers over for dinner, along with our good friends brent and marcos. it was a splendid evening, picking up where we left off. g and i served our favorite fall fare and domestic wines, hoping to make them feel at home, in our home…in los angeles. the night was nothing short of great conversation and laughter, and just when we thought our time together was drawing to an end, we learned that lili and chloe would be in san diego for thanksgiving (!!). naturally, i invited them to my parents' home, where we always gather for la fete traditionnelle.

i've always loved thanksgiving as a holiday, but this year feels different. this is our first holiday as a married couple and it is the first time we get to share it with people who have only dreamed about it - the traditional bird, the herbed dressing, the pumpkin pie and crazy family shenanigans. we are thrilled to have chloe and lili join us, and look forward to welcoming them into our family.

it's a funny thing - you never know where you'll find your family, even if they are worlds apart.

the light

i've run through it over and over again in my head: what IS it that i love most about this season? what is that one thing that just takes me over the edge, makes me swoon as i fall deeper and deeper into this love abyss?

the light. by golly, it's the light!

regardless of the time of day, the light is subdued, gentle. unlike summer, with its fierce and in-your-face light, the fall glows with a subtle warmth, a forever sunset. the shadows are long and drawn out, as if someone stretched the canvas of a painting. hues of gold seemingly touch everything within the light's capacity.

it was in this magical light that i recited my vows to g. it was in this light that we sealed our marriage with a kiss. the blanket of this fall light wrapped us with its warmth, and in so doing, set the tone for the rest of our days.

no drama. no darkness. just gold-stained beauty.

never the same

i come to this space, almost two weeks after g and i tied the knot. i have to admit, it's tough sitting here, writing about the most ethereal experience of our lives. do you know that feeling of indescribable joy, the kind that makes your heart tremble with just a mere thought of something/someone? the feeling that brings tears to your eyes because it feels so raw and divine and spiritual? that is how i feel about our wedding and the weekend surrounding it.

g and i chose to get married on the cliffs of big sur, with our parents and two closest friends as witnesses. it was an easy decision to choose our location, as the dynamic forces of the waves against the jagged cliffs illustrated a powerful, yet glorious, image. it was important for us to have an intimate group of guests, as they would be witness to our vulnerability, our naked emotion.

the entire weekend spent in carmel with our guests was a harbinger of the beauty and sentiment of our wedding. each person traveled from some place different, leaving everything behind, to bless us with positive energy. we were family, uniting in celebration, toasting to happiness.

the day of the wedding will forever be engrained in my heart. we all gathered at a quaint cafe for breakfast and then parted ways, as guests explored town and i started to get ready. i have vivid mental images of mama helping me slip into my gown, adorning me with beauty, preparing me for the woman i would soon embrace. it was a significant moment - the shedding of my former skin and the acquisition of wisdom from this woman who gave me life, and gave me the world in so doing.

in the late afternoon, daddy and i drove to the ceremony site, where we would meet g and our guests. an incredible peace settled over me during that 15-minute drive. here i was with daddy, the man who loved me first, the man who instilled in me great strength and judgment, the man who ultimately taught me what a loving husband looks like. and then we locked arms and walked the most important steps i would ever walk, together. it was our moment, daddy and me. every step was one step closer to the rest of my life, and i felt honored to have been guided by this man.

our ceremony is still very vibrant in my mind. as the sun set, g and i stood hand-in-hand, feeling the intense energy surrounding us. we locked eyes and never looked away, as our officiant spoke truth into our hearts. i will never forget the way g looked, his eyes wet with joy, his smile radiating with love. we said our vows to one another with the most peace and confidence we could possibly muster. my heart danced gracefully with every moment closer to our union as one. each word spoken through our ceremony was personal and life-giving. we said "i do" to a future together, to all its storms and renewed light. we said "i do" to the valleys and the journey to the peaks. and we said "i do" to each other, to friendship and companionship, to a life spent eternally together.

after toasting with champagne, dancing on the cliff, and climbing on some rocks (!!!), we celebrated at one of our favorite restaurants in carmel. we broke bread, we drank wine, we gathered in a way similar to how g and i always enjoy: a great dinner party with those we love.

the night ended beautifully as did the weekend. g and i said our goodbyes to our guests and traveled to yosemite for a reflective and inspiring honeymoon. we are settled back home, husband and wife, excited for the unknowns and journey ahead. i couldn't feel more blessed in my life, being here, feeling the way i do. people have asked if i feel different, and truth is, i absolutely feel different. it's not about "me" anymore...it's about us, and i have the privilege to honor, and hold sacred, this partnership with the man i love. and lemme tell you, it's damn exciting!

easing back in

g and i are married! yippppeeeeeee!!!! yahoooooo!!!! cowabungaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

i can't wait to share more about the most incredible day/weekend/week of our lives, but still feel like i need to ease back in.

so i leave with this, a little something that speaks to my heart:

how to eat chocolate

xoxo

see you on the other side

i consider this my last blogpost as a single lady. in four days (!), g and i will exchange vows and be married. i have nothing but ecstatic joy right now, as i sit outside in our patio, thinking about what will be upon us.

it's been a year since our engagement, a year of dreaming up how we wanted to celebrate our union. it's also been a year of preparing for our future, tackling the hard questions and rejoicing over simple victories. at the six-month mark to our wedding day, everything seemed so far away, intangible. life continued, time passed. it almost felt like we were planning for something that was never going to happen.

but then september rolled around and things had to be done. like writing my vows. i can't even describe what that process was like. writing those words was the most difficult and yet easiest things i've done. difficult because, how in the hell do you put into writing the emotions and love and commitment you have for this other person? but despite that difficulty, everything just flowed once i opened my notebook, put the pen in my hand, and watched g go about his business on a lazy day. i know what i wrote and what i will say is not all-encompassing, but it does capture the essence of my being. our life together and forthcoming actions will speak louder than any words ever could.

so now we are here, days before our ceremony. all plans are finalized, all clothing is fitted. g's mother is no longer a story or a face on skype. she is present, here to witness her only son embrace a new role as husband. my family is growing, and with it, my heart. i am beyond thankful for this time, for this sacred celebration. there's this incredible peace settling within my being, and as much as i want to bottle it up, i won't...

...because i know this is only the beginning.

see you on the other side!

butterflies and tears

last weekend, i visited my parents to celebrate daddy's birthday. it was an interesting drive, as i had two hours to reflect on how that weekend was going to be my last time in my childhood home before getting married. the magnitude of those thoughts sank deep.

i also had a feeling it would be a significant weekend because we had tickets to see paul maccartney live in concert. i will never forget roadtrips with my parents, listening to the beetles and wings. daddy would sing every song aloud, tapping his hands against the dashboard in an attempt to mimic the instrumental climaxes. i would be in the backseat, taking it all in and learning the words, grateful that we could all agree on the same music. even at a young age, i already connected with particular songs, much in the same way my parents connected with particular albums. somehow, paul mccartney and the beetles did that to you: they crossed generational lines with their artistry and passion.

on sunday, my parents, aunt, and i headed to san diego, where we watched fan after fan fill the stadium seats. never in my life had i seen a full house. the four of us waited in anticipation, counting down the minutes for paul to make his appearance. at one point, i felt butterflies in my stomach.

when the lights dimmed and paul entered on stage, there was a roar in the stadium, a rumble underneath our feet. what followed was the most brilliant performance i had ever witnessed. i don't even know what to say beyond that. it captured my youth, those long drives to tucson. it opened my eyes to the hearts of my parents, as i heard them sing with gusto to some songs and fall into a nostalgic trance with other songs. to see paul through their eyes was the best part of the night. as mama shimmied her shoulders, i had a glimpse of her past, when she and her brothers dressed like the beetles and played broomstick guitars. as my dad's eyes glistened with tears to paul's performance of "blackbird," his childhood emotions were tangible, present.

paul mccartney's concert was important for this particular time, this time of growth and reflection, transitions and celebration. my parents and i connected on such a spiritual level, i feel overwhelmed with extraordinary love - the kind of love that is preparing me for a lifetime.