connections

to the older gentleman who noticed my preference for english breakfast tea as an early morning pick-me-up, thank you. thank you for starting a conversation about the differences between irish and english breakfast teas, reassuring me that there is, in fact, a difference. we totally connected this morning.

to the french gal standing behind me at the market, thank you. thank you for complementing my sandals and starting a conversation about our blissful santa monica weather. i am completely enamored with the morning fog, too. and your accent...take me back to paris. connection, success.

to the guy singing his heart out in the car next to mine, thank you. thank you for appreciating your music to the extent of letting it all out, being so focused so as to not pay attention to my own jam session. little do you know, guy in the prius, that we connected.

and to the employee at starbucks who refrained from hassling me about using the bathroom even though i wasn't a customer, thank you. thank you for noticing the panicked look on my face as i made a detour during my run, practically diving into the bathroom...sweaty as hell. for this connection, my bowels owe you everything.

even in the city where it seems impossible to connect with others, i'm finding that we are able to live in synergy...as long as i'm open to it.

the best part

"...and it occurred to me that the choices we're making each night, compiled, would surely say something about us - illuminate even the smallest part of this great unknown ahead of us..."

- The Gastronomy of Marriage

i've always considered dinnertime to be the best part of the day. from morning till evening (and quite possibly the day before), my mind spins madly with the possibilities for the night's meal. there's always been something alluring about stopping everything, sitting down at the table (or couch or bed), dimming the lights, and dedicating time to the final meal of the day. and it's during this time that i feel most connected to the people around me, that a story is in fact being written.

recently, g's work schedule has changed quite significantly. long gone are the days lounging around together, as we both had schedules that allowed us to boast about our midweek "weekends." all day, we would be planning for dinner - the theme, the ingredients, the wine pairing. nowadays we have limited time together, forcing us to plan quickly and prepare efficiently so as to avoid eating dinner past 9 pm. 

it's been a remarkable change, one that makes me evaluate the significance of dinnertime. i'd be lying if i said i haven't considered going our separate ways for dinner so that we could eat when it was most convenient for each of us. but then that's it - going down that route would strip us of the very value we share so dearly: the meal as ritual. 

we're learning how to adapt to this change in pace, and although not easy, i'm finding that it's well worth the effort. at the end of the day, there is nothing i would rather do than break bread with the man of my life, celebrating our nourished bodies, souls, and love.

the perimeter

lately, my choice running route has been the perimeter of ucla. it was my favorite trail in college for a few reasons: its proximity, its varying elevations, its average length, and the fact that it was the freakin' perimeter of a freakishly stunning campus (!!).

these days, i've seemed to chosen it for even more reasons.

it's comforting. it's like home. during the crazy-ass days when there are a million things on my mind, the ucla perimeter silences everything. it allows my body to take over. i have adapted to the terrain so much so that i know exactly when to conserve my energy (sunset blvd is a beast, yo). when i run past a particular wall of bushes, i can anticipate the scent of cinnamon toast crunch (don't even ask. to this day, i still don't know where that smell comes from). and after innumerable times running this trail, i know what times to avoid it so as not to be caught in direct sunlight while going uphill. it's muscle memory, if you will.

and as i run the perimeter today, in the present, i can't help but reminisce about the past - those days when i would come home to 11067 ophir, with emma baking some type of glorious treat and abby writing some massive, incomprehensible-to-the-average-jo-schmo paper. my heart swells with the purest joy.

with these specific memories, the freedom the trail brings, and the comfort knowing i have a forever home, i declare the ucla perimeter one helluva run.

may 31st

"when it's over, i want to say: all my life
i was a bride married to amazement.
i was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

when it is over, i don't want to wonder
if i have made of my life something particular, and real.
i don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

i don't want to end up simply having visited this world."

-mary oliver

here's to a new season, to savoring the everyday...one picnic at a time.

may wins

may wins the title of "One Heck-of-a-Month." let me explain...

the first day of the month, g and i woke up in yosemite and spent the next five days taking it all in. hikes, picnics, mineral springs soaks, lounging. it was the breath of fresh air (literally) we needed. getting away from the city, recharging from work, clearing our minds so we can move forward in this life thingy.

and then there was the proposal. although g and i already made our engagement official with a proposal from last september, he decided to throw me for a loop. after having a picnic at the base of el capitan, g got down on a knee, opened a ring box, and asked me to marry him. umm, you better believe i was shocked, confused, excited, shocked, speechless, shocked! crying, i answered "of course!!" and asked what was going on. g said he had always wanted to propose to me at yosemite - the place where we have grown as a couple, where we planted our roots. he put an aqua-marine stone on my finger and said "this is me. i want you to have the ocean." all this time, i had been wearing the ring that was passed down to me - my great-grandmother's engagement ring. and now i had my own - the depths of the ocean signifying our love, the clear blue reflecting our peace. 

it was a restorative weekend, to say the least...one to definitely write home about!

one week later, mama and i woke up in carmel for a this-is-not-paris-getaway-but-we'll-take-it-anyways trip. we celebrated mother's day, mama's birthday, and much needed time together. it was also a trip to familiarize mama with the plans/sites for our wedding weekend in october. 

we ate and drank well, explored the nooks and crannies of downtown carmel, reminisced at the beach, and exchanged ideas about the ceremony. 

the weekend felt surreal. it was a celebration of my mother, her life, and the blessing of sharing time together. not only did we celebrate in a strikingly beautiful, naturally inspiring setting, but we also did it in the place where g and i will be saying our vows, where mama and daddy will be handing me off to the love of my life. 

we cried as we sat in the sand, when mama acknowledged that she hadn't been to the beach since before she was first diagnosed with cancer. we cried out of laughter as we sat on a golf course for a picnic so we could have "scenic coastal views." and then we cried when we visited the wedding ceremony site and imitated the exchange of vows. damn, it was all so surreal.

may isn't over and i am already overwhelmed by what it has offered: tranquility, love, inspiration, gratefulness, and above all, invaluable time with the people i hold dearest to me (and daddy!). 

thoughts on a tuesday

i don't know what it is about an impending trip that makes me have a (seemingly) never-ending cluster of thoughts. like...we can't forget our bug spray and yoga mats; oh, and i need to write the rent check by tomorrow; shoot, i only have one day off when we get back; what kind of treat should i bring? - well obviously something that will last through a 6-hour drive and five days of semi-camping.

but more than the little nit-picky to-do's in my mind, i feel inundated with bigger thoughts...

--i'm hoping that by pursuing my doula certification, i will have more opportunities to grow in my career. i can be the L&D nurse, practicing work as a doula on the side, preparing for a future in midwifery. it's all so exciting, but scary as hell. big girl decisions with big girl responsibilities.

--should we move out of los angeles? am i afraid of making a dramatic change? we're going to check out the bay area after we get hitched, and then make a decision: los angeles, seattle, or berkley. i love this time of not knowing, of just living day-to-day, but it's killing me too. what are we going to call home?

--speaking of home, why couldn't we make costa rica our home? we know we love it, we speak the predominant language, the ease and joy of everyday life settle well with us, and we both have career options: g pursuing a bed and breakfast and me working in a birth center. is it a calling? is this the time to live our dream? when is there ever a "good" time to be spontaneous?

--i want to get another tattoo and i know exactly what i want. it's just a matter of when...

--mama and daddy are celebrating 30 years of marriage in june. g and i are getting married four months later. i think it's interesting how we can be so sure of some things (and people), while living a life of even more uncertainties. i don't know what to make of it, so instead of fighting it, i will choose to go with the flow. because if i've learned anything in these 27 years, it's that life is so much sweeter when we just let go and live it.

letting my hair down

i've never dreamed of owning a convertible. it was always the car that "other" people drove, the impractical car. growing up, my barbie dolls had convertibles and that was perfectly acceptable - it was just for play. in my mind, i would NEVER be one of those people always driving with the top down, but when given the choice between loaning a convertible mini vs. a standard mini while charlie was being serviced, i opted for the former. and surprisingly without hesitation.

i figured i would let my hair down for a couple of days. i would drive the streets of west la with a new lens and an open roof. i would let the wind toss my hair in a frenzy, breathe in the salty air, soak in the sunny rays, blast my music without reservation, and just let go. and when i would walk into a public place, i really wouldn't give a damn that it looked like a tornado just blew by. hell, i would feel free! 

the past 48 hours with the loaner convertible somehow reawakened me. it didn't matter that it was cold after my swim this morning...i just had to drive with the top down. on the freeway, i refrained from tying my hair in a ponytail just so i could feel it loose and out of control. in the convertible, i had a flashback to my first ride on g's motorcycle - the wind, the exhilaration, the freedom. it was on that motorcycle that i first felt like one helluva woman. and in this convertible, that carefree spirit was back.

i returned the convertible once charlie was ready for pick-up. it was a bittersweet goodbye, as i felt the need to put my hair back up, turn the air conditioner on, and drive back on the freeway that always gives me heartache. as i sit here now, it's occurring to me that i might actually be one of those people after all. i might actually be that woman who says "screw it! life is too short to care what my hair looks like. let's go."