knock on wood, but i don't get sick often. and when i do, i'm the worst.
i've been in bed the last two days, battling a fever, body aches, sneezes, and a wretched cough that would signal you to run in the opposite direction. i'm sick, i know it. but i have the hardest time succumbing to the general malaise and fatigue. i don't want to be cooped up inside all day. given a choice between sleeping and going out for a run, i prefer the latter. any sane person knows that sick equates to rest, but because i am hardly ever in this condition, it takes a while for me to understand. (and i'm a freakin' nurse, for goodness sakes)!!
so this is my mental monologue, my streaming line of consciousness.
i, in fact, know very well how to take time to step away and rest. a massage, a leisurely walk, a cup of tea and treat. i treasure those times. however, they are on my conditions, when i am ready. and that's where i find that i am having a hard time recovering from this illness. i did not prepare for being sick, feeling deplete, or sleeping hours on end. this time was not accounted for in my work week, written down strategically in my moleskin. time is flying by, checklists need to be crossed off, and i am here, curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself.
however.
i read this excerpt from kinfolk recently, and it absolutely resonated with me:
"winter offers us a reprieve from summer's outdoor happy hours and the autumn weekends away; a season-sanctioned rest period. it turns us in - indoors, inward, intimate - and in these ways, causes us to shift form. like the leaves and long evenings, certain qualities of ours seem to fade and make way for a new identity." --annu subramanian
like winter, this illness is a season. it's an inherent cue for us to respect ourselves enough to slow down. rest. heal. to allow nature to run its course, and in so doing, come out better than before. and that's what i want to do: follow the commands of my body and be better for it.
1.13.2015
12.31.2014
the final hours
i write this just hours away from puckering up, taking a swag of some sparkling, and toasting to the new year. it's surreal, saying goodbye to one of the best years of my life. although i always look forward to the anticipation of new beginnings, i find myself more intrigued with these final hours, reflecting on the memories that shaped this past year.
preparing for marriage was surely the greatest process i could have imagined. 2014 was a year of self-discovery, of learning who i am as a woman and who i was going to become as a wife. it was a year of seeing g in a new light - as the man who would walk this life beside me, with all its joy and challenges and adventures and occasional cases of shittiness. when g and i exchanged our vows, it became very clear to me that 2014 would be the first year of the rest of my life. a prosperous life.
i really have no idea what 2015 will present. and i can honestly say it's the first year that i don't mind the uncertainty. i'm not one to make resolutions because, frankly, i don't think i could keep them. i do, however, believe in setting a tone for the year, a theme, if you will. this year, i believe it's going to be about going with the flow, letting life change its directions and adapting to its path. i foresee travels and position changes at work, celebrations and tough decisions. i anticipate more runs and wine, dinner parties and gardening. when we welcome this new year, i look forward to celebrating the peace that has settled within us, the peace that will be a constant in our ever-evolving life.
2015 may be a mystery, but i have full confidence it will be fueled by all-consuming love. because at the end of the day, that's all we really care about.
cheers to the new year!
preparing for marriage was surely the greatest process i could have imagined. 2014 was a year of self-discovery, of learning who i am as a woman and who i was going to become as a wife. it was a year of seeing g in a new light - as the man who would walk this life beside me, with all its joy and challenges and adventures and occasional cases of shittiness. when g and i exchanged our vows, it became very clear to me that 2014 would be the first year of the rest of my life. a prosperous life.
i really have no idea what 2015 will present. and i can honestly say it's the first year that i don't mind the uncertainty. i'm not one to make resolutions because, frankly, i don't think i could keep them. i do, however, believe in setting a tone for the year, a theme, if you will. this year, i believe it's going to be about going with the flow, letting life change its directions and adapting to its path. i foresee travels and position changes at work, celebrations and tough decisions. i anticipate more runs and wine, dinner parties and gardening. when we welcome this new year, i look forward to celebrating the peace that has settled within us, the peace that will be a constant in our ever-evolving life.
2015 may be a mystery, but i have full confidence it will be fueled by all-consuming love. because at the end of the day, that's all we really care about.
cheers to the new year!
12.14.2014
always the host
gezelligheid:
type: abstract noun
language: dutch
meaning: gezelligheid is at the core of dutch culture. it's an atmosphere, a vibe, a serendipitous togetherness, an aesthetic, a relaxed mood, a feeling of flow, a sense of belonging. no matter where you are or what you're doing, it describes the sensation of being at home…
--kinfolk, words by louisa thomsen brits
i've come to realize during these roaring twenties that i am a forever host. on rare occasions, i may be a party-goer, but for the most part, i will be that person who plans, preps, parties, and wraps it all up at the end. it's a title (quality?) i'm pretty sure i inherited from my mother. growing up, it was never a question where the holidays would be celebrated. my parents' home was always the epicenter of gatherings. my mother has this magical quality about her: she opens her humble home to others, invites them to take refuge from the everyday stresses, nourishes them with food and warmth, and does it all amidst her current responsibilities and forward-moving life. it was, and continues to be, a joy for her.
when g and i first started dating, i learned he was also a forever host. his dinnerware, linens, and kitchen utensils suggested that he was no amateur in the hosting world. in fact, the first dinner party we hosted together opened my eyes to g's superman-like ability to multitask the prepping, cooking, and cleaning in such a way that guests arrived bewildered to how everything came together so effortlessly. he had an ease about hosting, very much like my mother. i knew early on that i had met my match, the partner who wouldn't hesitate to claim the host title with me.
it's interesting, though. as much as i love being a host, i sometimes wish we would be the guests. a lot of time and effort is invested into hosting a party, regardless of its size or occasion. and being forever hosts, g and i have self-imposed expectations: what we serve, how we serve it, and what kind of atmosphere we want to create. but then i think back to my childhood, when it was impossible for me to imagine not being the host family. we had a way of doing things; it felt right. these days, especially during this festive season, i have that same sentiment - of putting myself in the shoes of the forever guest and, instead, preferring to be the host.
when g and i host, we find solace in the actualization of said gathering. our individual ideas and combined passion fuel us to work together and share with our guests the fruit of our collaboration. it's a solidifying experience, to say the least. g and i embrace these roles wholeheartedly, for it's this position that allows us to give to others what we feel has been instilled in us: love.
from our holiday party, hosted this weekend:
12.09.2014
the itch
i have the most intense itch right now - this unrelenting, persistent itch that commands serious attention. with the year coming to a close, and the big ass future ahead of us, i have an incredible yearning to pack my bags and travel.
when lili and chloe spent thanksgiving with us, i was reminded of the thrill of adventure - of being in foreign land, absorbing new sites, learning new customs, being stretched in the most humbling of ways. it's no secret that life is moving forward and big changes will inevitably happen, but that is exactly why we should see the world during these days, during this present.
now married, i feel like i have my foundation, my home in my heart. there's this sense of comfort in the unknown, a feeling that gives me strength when my mind wanders to the future. life is too short to wonder and dream, to stay still in the monotony. as much as i love my routine, i am eager to grow and explore this great world that is right in front of us.
i don't know what 2015 has in store for us, but i sure do hope it requires luggage, a passport, and a fine ink pen (holla postcards and snail mail!!).
when lili and chloe spent thanksgiving with us, i was reminded of the thrill of adventure - of being in foreign land, absorbing new sites, learning new customs, being stretched in the most humbling of ways. it's no secret that life is moving forward and big changes will inevitably happen, but that is exactly why we should see the world during these days, during this present.
now married, i feel like i have my foundation, my home in my heart. there's this sense of comfort in the unknown, a feeling that gives me strength when my mind wanders to the future. life is too short to wonder and dream, to stay still in the monotony. as much as i love my routine, i am eager to grow and explore this great world that is right in front of us.
i don't know what 2015 has in store for us, but i sure do hope it requires luggage, a passport, and a fine ink pen (holla postcards and snail mail!!).
12.01.2014
a different kinda christmas
last week, i got news that i am scheduled to work christmas day. you can imagine the surprise, frustration, and disappointment i felt when i found out that i will be in the hospital, working, away from my family. i should have known this reality was bound to happen, considering i haven't had to work a single christmas in the four years i've been a nurse.
but this year feels different. it's the first christmas g and i are married, and in some way, it feels monumental to be able to share the holiday with my parents - the couple who witnessed our beginning and celebrated our union. and of course, there's the comfort of being in my childhood home during this festive time - the way mama decorates the house with lights, pine, and their humble christmas tree adorned with handmade ornaments from years past. i love tradition and i love sharing it with others.
after sulking about for a day, i finally came to terms with my reality and accepted it. looking at g sitting at his desk after we settled back into our studio from thanksgiving, a new light was shed. he is my family and we have a home (that will soon be adorned with winter cheer!!). sacrifices have to be made, as do new traditions.
wherever we are in this world, and with whomever we celebrate the season, joy will abound as long as we allow it. i choose to be grateful for this change, because although it's s stretch from my norm, the change encourages me to see the greatness right in front of me. and spending christmas with my husband is pretty great.
but this year feels different. it's the first christmas g and i are married, and in some way, it feels monumental to be able to share the holiday with my parents - the couple who witnessed our beginning and celebrated our union. and of course, there's the comfort of being in my childhood home during this festive time - the way mama decorates the house with lights, pine, and their humble christmas tree adorned with handmade ornaments from years past. i love tradition and i love sharing it with others.
after sulking about for a day, i finally came to terms with my reality and accepted it. looking at g sitting at his desk after we settled back into our studio from thanksgiving, a new light was shed. he is my family and we have a home (that will soon be adorned with winter cheer!!). sacrifices have to be made, as do new traditions.
wherever we are in this world, and with whomever we celebrate the season, joy will abound as long as we allow it. i choose to be grateful for this change, because although it's s stretch from my norm, the change encourages me to see the greatness right in front of me. and spending christmas with my husband is pretty great.
our first christmas together, 2010
christmas last year, 2013
11.17.2014
you never know
when g and i were on our honeymoon in yosemite, we met two girls traveling from france. they took two months off from their everyday lives to road-trip through california, starting in the north and making their way down to san diego.
the night we met in the camp lodge, g and i were quickly intrigued by their charisma and sense of joie de vivre. lili and chloe shared their travel tales, their french way of life, their perspectives on american culture, and so much more. g and i embraced the connection we had with these two travelers, these girls who were so excited to see the natural beauty we oftentimes take for granted. it was as if they shed a new light on the totality of california. a bottle of wine, some beers, and a pumpkin pie later, we exchanged contact information and made tentative plans to reconnect when they made their way to los angeles.
and we did.
last weekend, we invited our french travelers over for dinner, along with our good friends brent and marcos. it was a splendid evening, picking up where we left off. g and i served our favorite fall fare and domestic wines, hoping to make them feel at home, in our home…in los angeles. the night was nothing short of great conversation and laughter, and just when we thought our time together was drawing to an end, we learned that lili and chloe would be in san diego for thanksgiving (!!). naturally, i invited them to my parents' home, where we always gather for la fete traditionnelle.
i've always loved thanksgiving as a holiday, but this year feels different. this is our first holiday as a married couple and it is the first time we get to share it with people who have only dreamed about it - the traditional bird, the herbed dressing, the pumpkin pie and crazy family shenanigans. we are thrilled to have chloe and lili join us, and look forward to welcoming them into our family.
it's a funny thing - you never know where you'll find your family, even if they are worlds apart.
the night we met in the camp lodge, g and i were quickly intrigued by their charisma and sense of joie de vivre. lili and chloe shared their travel tales, their french way of life, their perspectives on american culture, and so much more. g and i embraced the connection we had with these two travelers, these girls who were so excited to see the natural beauty we oftentimes take for granted. it was as if they shed a new light on the totality of california. a bottle of wine, some beers, and a pumpkin pie later, we exchanged contact information and made tentative plans to reconnect when they made their way to los angeles.
and we did.
last weekend, we invited our french travelers over for dinner, along with our good friends brent and marcos. it was a splendid evening, picking up where we left off. g and i served our favorite fall fare and domestic wines, hoping to make them feel at home, in our home…in los angeles. the night was nothing short of great conversation and laughter, and just when we thought our time together was drawing to an end, we learned that lili and chloe would be in san diego for thanksgiving (!!). naturally, i invited them to my parents' home, where we always gather for la fete traditionnelle.
i've always loved thanksgiving as a holiday, but this year feels different. this is our first holiday as a married couple and it is the first time we get to share it with people who have only dreamed about it - the traditional bird, the herbed dressing, the pumpkin pie and crazy family shenanigans. we are thrilled to have chloe and lili join us, and look forward to welcoming them into our family.
it's a funny thing - you never know where you'll find your family, even if they are worlds apart.
11.08.2014
the light
i've run through it over and over again in my head: what IS it that i love most about this season? what is that one thing that just takes me over the edge, makes me swoon as i fall deeper and deeper into this love abyss?
the light. by golly, it's the light!
regardless of the time of day, the light is subdued, gentle. unlike summer, with its fierce and in-your-face light, the fall glows with a subtle warmth, a forever sunset. the shadows are long and drawn out, as if someone stretched the canvas of a painting. hues of gold seemingly touch everything within the light's capacity.
it was in this magical light that i recited my vows to g. it was in this light that we sealed our marriage with a kiss. the blanket of this fall light wrapped us with its warmth, and in so doing, set the tone for the rest of our days.
no drama. no darkness. just gold-stained beauty.
the light. by golly, it's the light!
regardless of the time of day, the light is subdued, gentle. unlike summer, with its fierce and in-your-face light, the fall glows with a subtle warmth, a forever sunset. the shadows are long and drawn out, as if someone stretched the canvas of a painting. hues of gold seemingly touch everything within the light's capacity.
it was in this magical light that i recited my vows to g. it was in this light that we sealed our marriage with a kiss. the blanket of this fall light wrapped us with its warmth, and in so doing, set the tone for the rest of our days.
no drama. no darkness. just gold-stained beauty.
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