jaded

i feel jaded. work on the labor & delivery unit has been particularly difficult lately with unexpected losses, complicated cases, and a fair share of ethical dilemmas. i'm exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally. 

every day i walk onto the unit, i fee like i have to dress myself in protective armor so i can survive the imminent battles before me. during the past couple of shifts, i've even caught myself trading in the armor for a layer of thick skin - practically desensitizing myself to the surrounding storm.

i don't want to be that person anymore. i don't want to be numb to tragedy and misfortune. i don't want to feel emotionally decapitated, deplete of sorrow and empathy. remind me of that person who cried when my patient cried, who hurt when my patient hurt. i'm tired of protecting myself to do "the work." my "work" is human life - both welcoming it and paying its respects. i know who i am underneath the jadedness - i just need to dig deep to retrieve her.