reason

the talk of traffic/crowd-induced anxiety is no foreign topic on this blog. as a matter of fact, it's no foreign topic in my life. there have been coffee shop confessions of throwing fits in the car, crying frantically, and mapping out my days to the T to avoid a.) throwing fits in the car and b.) crying frantically. i'll be the first (okay, maybe the last) to admit that i have a problem.

it's interesting that i live in los angeles, the city renown for its traffic laden streets and busting-at-the-seams public places, when i clearly have an issue with crowds. actually, i don't even think it's the crowds that give me anxiety, but rather the time that's wasted getting from here to there or doing this or that. time.

i won't get into the details of the meltdown i had earlier today, but let's just say it was triggered by traffic. at noon! on a weekday! one hour spent going to the market for a handful of things, two miles away! the anatomy of my meltdown was nothing to brag about either. to be honest, it was pretty pathetic. i let my anger and raw emotion get the better part of me, to the point that i couldn't reason thoroughly. to the point that my tears blinded my vision of what was in front of me: gino.

during my aimless pacing and venting and crying spells, there he was, by my side, being my reason.

"how could i just waste my day on the road, only to buy a couple of things?!" i asked impatiently, expecting some type of validation, some kind of pity party. and then g responded, "you're here now." 

at the time, his response didn't make sense because i didn't want it to make sense. but it totally makes sense. after a hug, a glass of water, and a dose of deep breaths, my heart opened to the root of my anxiety. time. time. time. and the desire to control it.

so this is my struggle. a desire to control time, when in fact, it is out of my control. i can't control the people on the roads or the lines at the market, which definitely means i can't control the time spent waiting among them. i can't control when the sun rises and sets, when the weather is cool enough for running and warm enough for swimming. so why bother with the angst? the worry? the internal voice that leads me to believe that time is running out?

i don't have the answers, and i can't say that i'm a changed woman after realizing all of this earlier today. it's going to be a work in progress now that i understand the root of the problem. time control. it boggles my mind how g continues to be by my side through my internal conflict, how he has the patience to listen to me, care for me, and love me with such greatness that i feel ashamed for accepting it. but i do because i know that through the fight, i will be a better woman, a stronger woman. and g deserves that. as he loves me unconditionally and manifests grace daily, i will do whatever it takes to clear myself of my time-controlling burden so that i can be fully present, in the moment, living life together.