just listen

i've felt exhausted today, my day off. after working two busy shifts on the unit, i had been craving this day of freedom. i created a list of productivity, an assortment of to-do's: go on a run, do laundry, buy some tidbits at target, study, bake granola, prepare a fun meal with g. but something deep inside me has been fighting the activity.

i felt the fight during my run, when my body sought relief at stoplights. i felt it when i glanced at my study material and thought "screw it." i even picked up on this exhaustion when g asked if something was wrong since i had been oddly quiet all morning. the thought of preparing a meal tonight seemed so daunting that i even entertained the possibility of ordering pizza for dinner. sheesh.

i have a feeling this sense of depletion is a manifestation of busy days at work, but how dare it rob me of being productive on my day off! i need this day to do things, dammit! but of course, something deeper said otherwise. that i need this day to be. be thoughtful. be peaceful. be still and just listen.

and so, here i am, writing in my moleskin in the courtyard of a charming cafe, with no prospects of going to target, studying, or baking granola. to be honest, i feel that the less i fight this internal voice, the more i'm gaining in my day. like rest. i even feel inspired to make a meal for g, because even in the setting of my own exhaustion, i am thankful for the promise of his selfless love. friday, today you are my sabbath.