all i need

wake up shy of 5:55 am, with all effort to beat the alarm. stumble out of bed, trying not to startle the dog. bathroom lights on, time to brush my teeth and attempt to look decent. tea brewing, toast toasting, almond butter prepared for spreading. shoes on, bag packed, it's time to start the day.

driving two miles to the hospital, i have no idea what the day will look like. who will be my patient(s)? will i have a delivery? what kind of person will i have to become for the next 12 hours - the coach, the mediator, the cheerleader, the comforter, or the leader? am i ready for this? am i ready to adapt to this dynamic environment and give it my all?

i change into my scrubs and greet my co-workers. i give the central monitor a quick glance, trying my very best not to jump to conclusions about how the day is going to unfold. but i can't help it. i can already tell by the amount of fetal strips shown on the monitor that it's going to be that kind of day.

the deep breaths begin. it's time to collect myself, be open to whatever comes my way. i get my patient assignment and dive head first into a day in L&D.

and throughout the day, i'm the chameleon, changing my colors to meet my patients' needs. internally, i'm fighting exhaustion, hunger, and frustration, while externally, i'm exuding an err of confidence, joy, and full-fledged support. in the few moments i get to myself in the bathroom, i look into the mirror to remind myself who i am, to stay centered.

the day finally ends after 12 hours of laboring and delivering, teaching and consoling. i feel depleted. i feel proud. there's this sense of joy and happiness mixed with exhaustion and doubt. did i meet my patients' needs? was i a strong team member? could i have done this or that better?

so i make my way home, my mind being consumed by an ongoing train of thoughts. i shuffle my feet through the door, put my things down, and give g a kiss. and then i realize - after those long hours of physical, mental, and emotional challenge, of self-doubt and self-judgment - that all i need is exactly this....the promise of a home filled with unconditional love.