finding my peaceful place

it has taken me a whopping 24 hours to get to this point and write about my dreadful, anxiety-laden traffic experience from yesterday. i could (maybe should) write about something as carefree as the lovely abundance of citrus, or my sincere appreciation of snuggling under piles of blankets until i can no longer stand it, but this place - this blog - is about me being real. and confessing.

yesterday, i want to venice for my haircut. i had strategically scheduled my appointment for 1:30 pm, knowing that any later would put me smack-dab in the middle of pre-rush-hour traffic (you know, the traffic that begins BEFORE what is known to be "rush hour" in any other city). well well well, was i wrong.

at 2:30 pm, i'm in my car in santa monica, driving home. i talked with my mom briefly and listened to music - the usual. then 3 pm rolls around. i am still on wilshire, nowhere near home. at this point, i see the extent of traffic ahead and i'm thinking it's a lost cause. i begin planning alternative routes - perhaps santa monica blvd - but then realize that would be no better. apparently everyone is trying to pile onto the 405. half an hour later and i am STILL sitting in the car, having just inched one block. feeling out of control, angry, anxious, STUCK, i call my mom to vent. but of course when i vent, i begin to cry. like a big fat baby. my mom tries to paint the picture for me - i am in traffic and unfortunately, i just have to wait - but i don't hear a word she says. i am irritated that i am spending over one hour in the car on my day off of work to drive a measly four miles.

frustrated, i hung up on my mom. i didn't want to hear it. i just wanted to feel sorry for myself.

after ANOTHER hour of feeling anxious and hopeless, filled with tears and anger, i finally arrived home. all i wanted to do at that point was be outside with the dog. so i took him to the park and watched him run like a wild man. i channeled my wrought-up energy through him, and just let it go. i then called my mom and apologized for my crazy-lady behavior. my pathetic, unnecessary behavior.

i've been thinking a lot since that anxiety-filled episode. what was it that triggered me? why did i feel so out of control? why couldn't i just patiently sit in the car and listen to music, like everyone else? i'm beginning to realize that i need to find my inner peaceful place when times like these come my way. i need to know it, be familiar with it, and hold it close. externally, i know where i am most peaceful and i know with whom i am most happy. but when i don't have the luxury of being in those places with those people, i need to dig deep within and find my internal peace.

so now i'm on a mission, and i don't think it's going to be easy.