lists

i didn't realize how much i rely on lists until today, when i wrote "make a packing list" with a check box beside it. really? on a list of things to do, are you really going to include another list? and then it dawned on me that as much as i enjoy crossing things off my agenda, it's rather disconcerting to think that i have an agenda at all. that i structure my days in such a way that permits me to complete tasks. for as free as i believe my life to be, i feel that i am limiting myself to whatever is written on my moleskin. and that scares me. i wonder if it's not on my list of things to do, will i do it?

this self-reflection led me to think about a recipe. a list of ingredients with specific instructions to follow. oh how easy and comforting it is to use the exact ingredients with the exact measurements, following the author's prescription to a T. what comes out is good. satisfying. safe.

but what about those times when i improvise? when i make substitutions based on how i feel? when i say "forget the list" and explore? those are the times when i feel free. when i discover something new, interesting, surprisingly delicious. i let myself feel before i think. and that is what i strive for: letting go of the lists so i can live without inhibitions, taste without reservations, and love without conditions.