getting out there

i don't know what it is about coming home from a trip that makes me want to begin planning another one. don't get me wrong, i love our studio. in fact, i prefer to be at home when i'm not working. but give me a little break from la and the day-to-day cycle, and i'm all yours.

in college, as i studied my #%$ off, i envisioned myself with a career that would allow me to see the world. i always hoped to be an adult who traveled, who learned more by experiencing new places rather than by reading about them. and i always imagined myself sharing the adventure with someone else.

i am beyond grateful for this life i have been given, in which i am that adult with a flexible, steady career and a loving, adventurous partner. it is a privilege to set time aside for little trips, however big or small. and to be with my partner in crime...even better.

all of this is to say that g and i booked a flight for puerto rico in may! sure, we are in saving mode for an eventual move up north, but when we get opportunities to travel, we'll take it. life is far too short to sit on our laurels and save for something that we both know will happen in its own timing. we're young, with flexible schedules, in good health, and eager to learn what's out there. so we're going to do it, and i'm sure it will be worth it.

i think my college self would be proud.

thoughts

i have a feeling this 26th year is going to be all about just going with it. i feel settled at the moment, like i've figured out this groove of mine. although i have bigger plans for the upcoming years - with a move to seattle and other things of the sort - this particular year seems like it's going to be steady. calm. being okay with how things are, where they are.

with this peace of mind, i couldn't have imagined a more perfect way to celebrate another year of life. i spent it with the two guys in my life, discovering/enjoying/falling in love with, what i believe is, the heart of california. each turn of the head gave us a glimpse of incredible central coast beauty. big sur is a happy marriage between yosemite and ocean. actually, we thought of it as seattle meets california. either way, it was heartwarmingly enchanting.

as our first family trip of 2013, we dipped our feet into a little bit of everything that brings us joy. relaxing in a B&B! taking in the views! hiking! eating! drinking! enjoying every last minute out of la!!

en route

outside our B&B (with treats in hand)

beginning of the hike

stopping for lunch

heading back down

birthday dinner in downtown carmel

making it a good one

and so that's what it's all about. being with those i love, doing the things that bring me joy, and just taking it all in. food and drink, required.

entering this 26th year, i always want to know life as this...

serene.

it's coming!

in a whopping four days, i will be entering my final year of what's considered "the mid-twenties." i don't know why the thought of turning 26 brings a sense of giddiness to me, but for whatever reason, it feels good. when i think about it, the past two birthdays did the same.

during my childhood, i always looked forward to sending my party invitations and choosing a theme/location. i also remember feeling jipped when i had to plan a winter birthday, sans beaches, barbecues and poolsides. but trust you me, i made the best of it, learning to adapt to the cool weather and its offerings. roller skating, ice skating, bowling...yeah, winter birthdays!

but then the excitement was toned down during my high school and early college years. i could care less about celebrating another birthday, probably because i was studying for a midterm or writing a paper. the big day just seemed to pass by as my grades rolled in.

thankfully, i got out of my rut during my 24th and 25th birthdays. i still don't know exactly how or why i started to get excited about turning a year older during those years. perhaps it was because i was finally on my own, out of school, with real-life responsibilities, and hopes for grander milestones. (obviously, i've been thinking about this). there's also a comfort knowing i survived another year, happily and healthy, having learned so much about myself. so i guess you could say i enjoy obtaining the wisdom that comes with age.

this year, i won't be tying up my roller skates nor will i be sitting at a desk, editing a paper. instead, g, chase, and i will be heading up to carmel and monterey for a few days of resting, hiking, exploring, and my favorite: eating and drinking. i'm so excited to celebrate a new year of life in a new place (far, far away from la) with my dear sweet boys. now i just have to get through another day of work.

his and hers

living with a boy, i have come to appreciate the things we share and the things we keep all to ourselves.

take toothbrushes, for example.

there will ALWAYS be a his and hers. i hate to admit that i'm the person who will refuse to share a toothbrush even if we're on vacation and you forget yours at home. that's what the finger is for.

and how 'bout them slippers?

clearly, we wear different sizes. oh yeah, and he's a man and i'm a woman. so there are his and her  styles.

we can't forget our waterpacks for hiking.

i still need someone to explain to me how it's possible that i am part human, part camel. there is no way in heck that g and i could share a waterpack with the way i drink water. dehydration is no fun game.

and you better believe we have two french presses...

...because, you know, i drink tea and he drinks coffee. the two just don't mix.

and then there's dessert. or more specifically, the susie cakes brownie.

if you know even the slightest inkling about me, then you know that the daily treat is serious business. i do not share treats, i dislike the act of sharing treats. please don't ask me if we can share a dessert after finishing a meal at a restaurant. i will probably say sure, but trust me, i will hate it. g learned this quickly.

the other night, while eating our OWN susie cakes brownies, we laughed about the way we were eating them. there was a "his" way and a "her" way. him: big fat bites, brownie in hand. her: meticulous deconstruction with fork and plate. the best part of it was that we enjoyed every last bit the way we each wanted to enjoy it. no sharing necessary. 

i guess when it comes down to it, his and hers is plenty fine, as long as we share this life together.

ink speaks

today was most definitely a lesson on mindfulness. 

to tell you the truth, when i got my tattoo - a symbol of mindfulness, on being present - i was nervous about the significance of it. was i ready to face the meaning of mindfulness, having this permanent reminder of living for the now? how would i focus on its magnitude when my mind was inching toward the future? 

well luckily, i believed (and still do) in mindfulness strongly enough to challenge myself and have an ink representation of something that is so damn hard to do. which brings me back to today.

i woke up this morning with a billion thoughts streaming through my head. our trip to carmel for my birthday. topics to discuss with the nursing student i'm precepting at work. vacation ideas for this upcoming spring. plans for seattle. cleaning the stove! already feeling mentally exhausted by 8:30 am, i went on a run to clear my mind. 

after taking a shower and pouring myself a cup of tea, i shut up. i spent time analyzing the symbol on my wrist and let the ink do the talking. and in those few moments, i felt eons better, like i was ready to take on the day...this  day.

when i think about it, i am in no position to worry about the future, even if it's as little as when in the heck am i going to organize that file cabinet?! truth is, i feel pretty darn lucky to seize the present and watch chase sniff butts in santa monica. or come home to the guy i love with his yoga mat sprawled out and his cold beer waiting for consumption. i just need to remember that this life of mine, on (enter date here), isn't so bad. in fact, it's really quite lovely. 

finding my peaceful place

it has taken me a whopping 24 hours to get to this point and write about my dreadful, anxiety-laden traffic experience from yesterday. i could (maybe should) write about something as carefree as the lovely abundance of citrus, or my sincere appreciation of snuggling under piles of blankets until i can no longer stand it, but this place - this blog - is about me being real. and confessing.

yesterday, i want to venice for my haircut. i had strategically scheduled my appointment for 1:30 pm, knowing that any later would put me smack-dab in the middle of pre-rush-hour traffic (you know, the traffic that begins BEFORE what is known to be "rush hour" in any other city). well well well, was i wrong.

at 2:30 pm, i'm in my car in santa monica, driving home. i talked with my mom briefly and listened to music - the usual. then 3 pm rolls around. i am still on wilshire, nowhere near home. at this point, i see the extent of traffic ahead and i'm thinking it's a lost cause. i begin planning alternative routes - perhaps santa monica blvd - but then realize that would be no better. apparently everyone is trying to pile onto the 405. half an hour later and i am STILL sitting in the car, having just inched one block. feeling out of control, angry, anxious, STUCK, i call my mom to vent. but of course when i vent, i begin to cry. like a big fat baby. my mom tries to paint the picture for me - i am in traffic and unfortunately, i just have to wait - but i don't hear a word she says. i am irritated that i am spending over one hour in the car on my day off of work to drive a measly four miles.

frustrated, i hung up on my mom. i didn't want to hear it. i just wanted to feel sorry for myself.

after ANOTHER hour of feeling anxious and hopeless, filled with tears and anger, i finally arrived home. all i wanted to do at that point was be outside with the dog. so i took him to the park and watched him run like a wild man. i channeled my wrought-up energy through him, and just let it go. i then called my mom and apologized for my crazy-lady behavior. my pathetic, unnecessary behavior.

i've been thinking a lot since that anxiety-filled episode. what was it that triggered me? why did i feel so out of control? why couldn't i just patiently sit in the car and listen to music, like everyone else? i'm beginning to realize that i need to find my inner peaceful place when times like these come my way. i need to know it, be familiar with it, and hold it close. externally, i know where i am most peaceful and i know with whom i am most happy. but when i don't have the luxury of being in those places with those people, i need to dig deep within and find my internal peace.

so now i'm on a mission, and i don't think it's going to be easy.

bread

i am clearly not one of those people who completely eliminates carbs or sweets or any other food group for the sake of a new year's resolution. if anything, i vow to bake more, now that the standing mixer has been resurrected.

i also vow to invest more money/driving time/stomach in quality loaves of bread.

although my dream is to apprentice as a bread baker, i figure i should begin eating different kinds of housemade, quality bread. i want to know what makes a humble loaf an irresistible loaf, learning about, and enjoying, tastes and textures. 

i also have this obsession with toast and open-faced sandwiches and any kind of platform for spreads. bread is all of that. with the cafes and bakeries that sell varieties of baguettes, loaves, boules, etcetera all within reach, i plan on keeping the studio replete with something freshly baked, of a higher quality. because after all, isn't bread life? and shouldn't we invest in life?!